Comments on It's Always January: A Great Loss

randy, this is morelia. i just saw this, as i was...

2011-09-27T12:30:41.573-07:00

randy, this is morelia. i just saw this, as i was visiting your blog after many months of being out of touch (w/you online). just sending you my love here. i've lost two friends to depression, (2002, and 2003), which, like you say, is more like a terminal illness... in addition to sending love your way, i also just want to say thank you for such a thoughtful post.

THERE WILL BE A MEMORIAL CELEBRATION SERVICE ON SA...

2011-05-31T00:13:41.300-07:00

THERE WILL BE A MEMORIAL CELEBRATION SERVICE ON SATURDAY JUNE 4, 2011
AT BAYSIDE CHURCH 8211 SIERRA COLLEGE BLVD. SUITE 418, ROSEVILLE, CA 95661 Anyone wishing to send flowers, a card or prayers can do so. Flowers must be delivered before 9 AM and there are no friday delivery of flowers. I hope any family in California or any state will come to celebrate Brian with us. God Bless Melinda Parry (Clay)

Randy thank you for such a moving tribute. Yes Br...

2011-05-25T16:43:33.713-07:00

Randy thank you for such a moving tribute. Yes Brian had major depression and he tried to battle it himself for years. I hope anyone else who thinks about taking their life will read your words. Medication might have helped Brian to have a happier life. I also have a hole in my heart. I tried to love and protect him.

Randy, thank you so much for posting this! It real...

2011-05-25T16:29:45.046-07:00

Randy, thank you so much for posting this! It really meant a lot to me to read every word you had to say! I miss Brian deeply and feel like I should have tried harder to be there for him. We only really talked when the family got together or on Facebook. I offered him a place to stay with me whenever he needed, i just wish I would have tried harder. i have been praying for him every day that he can now be in peace. i want that for him so badly! Please keep him in your prayers!

Randy you are blessed with a beautiful gift of exp...

2011-05-24T13:02:00.726-07:00

Randy you are blessed with a beautiful gift of expression. Reading your entries has brought tears to my eyes as my heart hurts for you and your family. Please you have my deepest sympathies.

Thank you so much for all of your support. I wond...

2011-05-24T10:35:26.491-07:00

Thank you so much for all of your support.

I wonder if Brian would have been surprised at the hundreds of views this entry had in a single day.

It makes me smile to know he had so many good friends that loved him, even if in his sickness he did not realize the enormity of that love (or perhaps he did and that was the one thing that kept him going all these years that he suffered).

So sorry to hear of Brian's death. Our thought...

2011-05-24T06:07:40.244-07:00

So sorry to hear of Brian's death. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Roger and Cindy Hight

I am without words - I am sorry for your loss at t...

2011-05-23T22:13:40.538-07:00

I am without words - I am sorry for your loss at the hands of a sickness that is immensely difficult to struggle with. The world sees depression as a weakness when it is just your brain chemistry playing tricks on you. It is one of those things that is extremely hard to ever ask for help for.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I will always be thankful for Brian introducing you and I. If you need to talk, let me know.

Oh, Randy, I am so sorry for your loss... It's...

2011-05-23T20:47:23.079-07:00

Oh, Randy, I am so sorry for your loss... It's funny--somehow I lost track of your blog a few months ago, and only came across it again today, of all days. I too lost someone due to depression; in her case she turned to alcoholism until she finally had a stroke that she was unable to heal from. My heart is with you... (mama2em, from flickr)

Uncle Phillip and I were so very sorry to hear of ...

2011-05-23T17:39:00.277-07:00

Uncle Phillip and I were so very sorry to hear of Brian's death.But- knowing about his earlier attempt to end his life, we were not surprised. We thought things had gotten better for him when he was at Marilyn's.Thank you for such a nice tribute to him! Love, Aunt Pauline

Thanks Nate, and thanks to you Tim, for your insig...

2011-05-23T14:57:45.806-07:00

Thanks Nate, and thanks to you Tim, for your insight. I knew Brian his entire life, but there are so many gaps that the picture is but a fuzzy blur. It's always nice to get a few more pieces to the puzzle.

When I was younger I used to go for long walks or bike rides, often in the middle of the night when I could not sleep because something was bothering me. There's just something about being in motion that settles your mind, as if with every step, or pedal, or mile all your worries grow further away. I think Brian's drifting from place to place was an extension of this.

I took a walk today to get away from work, and towards the end I became acutely aware of the breeze blowing in my face. I imagine this sensation to be something that Brian would have liked very much, and for a moment I felt a piece of him drifting by again, cheery and optimistic about his grand new journey. Forever in motion and never stopping to let the disappointment of reality catch up.

Thanks for posting. I too have many regrets. I al...

2011-05-23T11:37:39.991-07:00

Thanks for posting.

I too have many regrets. I always knew he was searching. I wish I had done more to guide him towards a goal or passion. Or to simply tell him I loved him as a brother.

I took for granted him coming to visit us in wichita. I figured he'd come again in a few months or so.

I was able to spend the last month and a half of his life with him. At first he was just going to stay for the weekend, than it was gonna just be for one more week, time just kept going by. We no longer asked when he planned to head back to St. Louis. We (Nathen, Nick and I) didn't mind him staying on our couch. He wasn't a burden.

He came to us on March 16th I believe. Then finally on Sunday the 1st, as him and I were watching the news that Osama had been killed, he mentioned to me that he was going to leave soon.

I believe it was the next morning (monday the 2nd) or maybe it was wednesday (the 4th), I woke up early for work, as I walked out the door I turned to him on the couch. He was still lying around with very little incentive to get up that early. I told him goodbye, and "Will you be coming back anytime soon?" His eyes went up to the ceiling, which was a common occurrence, then half-smiled, "yea I'll be back around" with a slight nod.

I could tell that he was just saying that to please me. I told myself this will be the last time I see in for about a year probably. Then I walked out of his life.

He left that day.

Only to be heard about nearly 3 weeks later :(

I wish I had known that he'd tried to end it all once before. I wish I had reached out to him and had invited him to church. I wish i could have shown him love and acceptance a little more.

I wish he was still sleeping on my couch.

I really enjoyed reading this Randy. Brian will be...

2011-05-23T11:09:31.071-07:00

I really enjoyed reading this Randy. Brian will be missed greatly ..